May 29, 20238 min read

How to raise children NOT to swear in a household that swears

I was chatting to a friend the other day, and with a straight face I might add, she told me her son has started using a new phrase at bed time. I will do my best to explain the "phrase" without getting kicked off the internet. I'll set the scene, Master 3 turns and cuddles into his mother to say goodnight and whispers softly "goodnight ball sack d**k head". Now, how she kept a straight face as these words came out of her mouth, still blows my mind. I for one, couldn't contain my giggles, I think anything that's slightly left of a typical "swear word" coming out of the mouths of babes, is just hilarious. Now if you didn't smile at this gorgeous term of affection, this might not be the blog for you.

So without being super controversial, my view may be slightly unconventional or even feel uncomfortable for some of you, all ask is that you hear me out.

Lets unpack the terminology, "swear words, vulgar words, bad words, naughty words, profanity, adult words" they all sound extremely tempting to a child if you ask me. I mean what is so "BAD" about them anyway? They are just words, right? I guess this is the time to disclose that I do love a good swear word, shared with love of course and only in "socially acceptable" environments.

It's important to note that the acceptance and offensiveness of swear words can vary widely across cultures, languages, and contexts. What may be considered highly offensive in one culture may have less impact or be used casually in another. This is an important factor because whether we like it or not, our parenting choices can impact others, therefore its important to reflect and modify our approach if things don't quite go to plan. I mean, no one wants their child to tell another kid to f*** off, but hey, it can happen. Its how we support this stage of development that counts, as well as other contributing factors in those "swearing" occasions.

Why do children swear? An important phrase comes to mind, "monkey see, monkey do" it is an idiom that refers to the tendency of individuals, particularly children, to imitate the behaviors and actions of others, especially those they look up to or consider role models. It suggests that people, like monkeys, often mimic or emulate what they observe in their environment without necessarily understanding the reasoning or consequences behind it, AKA potty mouth! In the context of raising children, the concept of "monkey see, monkey do" holds significant importance. Children are highly impressionable and learn through observation and imitation. They naturally look to their parents, educators, and other influential figures in their lives to understand how to navigate the world and interact with others. Their young minds absorb information like sponges, and they often replicate the behaviors they witness. Hence this is the reason your child could be dropping the f*** bomb!

Let's take a glimpse at our childhoods- what were the rules or parenting approach in my home growing up? "I grew up with parents that openly swore in front of us, but not at us. I have no memory of feeling that I was "allowed" to swear nor do I remember even attempting to test this. My brother never uttered a swear word in front of my parents, even as a 40 year old man. I used to say to them (typical younger sister) "he swears you know"! They would respond with "we don't believe it for a second".

So what our position on swearing in general? "I wont sugar coat this, I love swearing. I find it my way of expressing those really deep feelings. I think that society puts a little too much significance on the simple swear words that have been around for many generations. Before we had our son, my husband and I witnessed many friends and family members differing approaches to swearing. From not swearing in front of their kids, asking others not swear in front of their kids, and lastly, swearing in front to their kids, some without a filter I might add. So now if I look back at how we were raised and how we choose to parent, I can for sure see that our parenting choices have a huge correlation to our upbringings. The development and evolution of swear words can be terrifying and before we get too deep here, whilst I feel a certain way about certain words such as the F and S word, anything that is an attack on someone, directed at someone, or a word that means something offensive to religion, gender, appearance or sexuality are not okay!!!

So what is my take on children swearing? As children grow and explore the world around them, they often encounter new words and phrases, some of which may not be appropriate or respectful. Swearing is an extremely common behavior that young children might pick up from their environment, whether it be from peers, television, or adults. While it can be challenging for parents to navigate this aspect of their child's development, it is essential to approach it with patience, understanding, and respect. So like many undesirable behaviours, the more we react to them, the more common they become. Compare it to a child putting there toy car in their cereal bowl, yes its totally annoying, but the more we are triggered and the bigger our reaction, the more the toddler will do it. Small disclaimer, it is important to acknowledge that this article is referring to children learning to communicate. As children get older, or if the words become abusive or unexplained, it may need further investigating. So whilst I wouldn't ignore ongoing swearing, from time to time a few slip of the tongue moments, especially from toddlers, will get no reaction over here!

But, how to prevent children from swearing? Raising children in a household where swearing is prevalent can present some unique challenges. However, with commitment and consistency, I believe it is possible to raise children not to swear (at least in the foreseeable future) and instill respectful language habits. Here are some strategies to consider:

1. Lead by example; I think that to some level, pulling back on the profanities (ooh fun big word) that we use in front of children, is encouraged. Just because I love to swear doesn't mean I call the neighbour a d*** head in front my child. As a parent, your behavior and language choices have a significant impact on your children. Make a conscious effort to refrain from swearing (especially the real juicy ones) in front of them and avoid at all cost swearing at others! I want to be clear that I don't agree with swearing at our children, this is a you problem, not a them problem. By modeling respectful language, you set a positive example and provide a strong foundation for their own language development. This is NOT always easy to do, but important to remember.

2. Consistency and age appropriate expectations; Communicate your expectations regarding language use to your children. Be on the same page with any adults that assist with parenting (grandparents and close friends) and explain to your child that certain words are not okay and can hurt peoples feelings. Explain that they are words that are best kept for grown ups and not to be used by children. As children get older you can compare this to things like alcohol, I cant expect you to withhold from wine until they turn 18. SO whilst their is an element of monkey see monkey do, there are things such as alcohol, driving, voting, and swearing that we can keep as an "adult activity", it can become a life lesson for children.

3. Make huge deals out of kind words and gestures and either ignore or provide gentle reminders for "swear words". Encourage open communication and provide opportunities for your children to express themselves without resorting to swearing. Create an atmosphere where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions. Instantly the "When I'm feeling..." children's books come to mind. A great way to support children to express and manage their emotions. Remember if you make a huge deal out of your little one saying "s**t" when they stub their toe, they will almost definitely do this again!

4. Encourage Empathy: Help your children develop empathy and understanding by discussing the impact of their words on others. This by all means does not mean requiring them to "say sorry" it simply means chatting about how certain words can hurt people's feelings or create negativity. Encourage young children to consider how they would feel if someone used those kind of words towards them. This can foster compassion and empathy, making them more mindful of their language choices. A good example here could be "poo poo head" whilst it may not be considered "swearing" it does come with negative implications such as feeling beings hurt or a friend not wanting to play anymore.

5. Monitor Media Influence: Be mindful of the media your children are exposed to, as it can heavily influence their language development. The music channel can be one to look out for here, limit children's exposure to content that normalizes or encourages swearing especially when they aren't old enough to comprehend what this can mean. Encourage them to engage with media that promotes positive values, respectful communication, and appropriate language.

6. Seek Support: If you find it challenging to manage swearing in your household or if your children are having difficulty adjusting their language habits, consider seeking support from professionals such as family therapists or child psychologists. They can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your specific situation. If the swearing is becoming out of hand you may also need to change up your vocabulary for a while!

Finally, my last controversial thought for the day...... Children that are taught to smack their parents or "tell them off" when they swear is a real trigger for me. I just don't see this as a positive strategy, especially if they end up telling off a family friend (yes I have been said friend). I have also bared witness to a friend telling off Grandad for swearing in front of child- don't love this either! I think the strategies above are much more positive and realistic in a society of swearing adults with varied opinions and beliefs.

Finally, if you need more support on this topic, reach out to a professional, this article was intended for the average toddler dropping the "f bomb" in the supermarket checkout!

How to raise children NOT to swear in a household that swears

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