After saying 'no' to my toddler in a less than ideal tone, I pondered my stance on the word. The combination of what I know and have learnt in my career vs the practicality of every day life with an almost two-year old. It lead me to really reflect, and while imperfect parenting is actually good enough, there is a reason why keeping the word up your sleeve matters.
So, with that, I challenge you to try something for a minute perhaps with yourself or with another primary carer in your child's life.
A very interesting exercise to reflect on the language you use with your child and how often you default to the word "no".
I want you to listen to how often you say the word "no" over a period of time when interacting with your child.
Sometimes it can be quite alarming and when we listen to others it can be a little more obvious but sometimes we forget to really listen to ourselves.
Whether your child is climbing up a slide, running inside, dropping their food on the ground or splashing water in the bath, adults are extremely guilty of using the word "no", which in turn is met with really big emotions.
How did you go with the exercise, I would love to know?
As parents, it is really easy to fall into the trap of saying "no". In a lot of cases it is because we worry about their safety or want to set some boundaries and teach them right from wrong.
Here us some examples where a parent might say "no" to their child:
-child asks for a lolly at breakfast
-child wants to play outside and it is dark
-staying up late on a school night
-buying an expensive toy
Jem, are you telling me to say yes to everything????
No (lol) I am not suggesting you give in and say yes to everything, but I would like to offer an alternative approach that is a little bit nicer for everyone. Setting limits are super important, but there is incredible value in saying "yes" to our children more often. This blog will show some simple ways to turn the language we use into a more positive approach. Embracing a positive parenting approach with a "Yes" attitude promotes growth, independence, and a strong connection.
While setting boundaries and saying "no" is essential for safety and teaching responsibility, saying "yes" in appropriate situations can foster trust, boost confidence, and encourage healthy communication.
Why I am all for this approach?
Here are some examples of how saying "yes" can be beneficial to your children:
empowers children to make good decisions when we give them a little bit of room and don't immediately dictate what they can do
promotes healthy risk taking, like climbing at a playground, it can teach them valuable lessons about courage, resilience, and learning from mistakes
fosters a sense of independence, we can support them pick their clothes for the day (offer 2-3 appropriate options)
opportunity to explore within safe boundaries, if you are constantly saying no, reflect on the space and attempt to make it a safe "yes" space (Blog coming soon on Yes spaces)
opens up lines of communication and encourages children to express themselves
builds strong relationships of trust and understanding when we use a balanced approach
enhances cooperation and flexibility. Being flexible and occasionally saying "yes" to spontaneous ideas or activities can create enjoyable moments
What are some examples of how I can say yes more?
It's important to note that saying "yes" doesn't mean giving in to every demand or indulging in unhealthy behaviours. Instead, it means finding opportunities to support and empower children in positive ways while maintaining appropriate boundaries and rules. It is more about finding a nice balance between saying "yes" and "no" based on what is best for the child's growth and well-being. We can also play with our words to avoid over using "no" which I am a big advocate for.
"Can we have a family game night tonight?" Yes on Saturday" VS "No not tonight"
"Can I go play soccer?" "Yes afterschool tomorrow" VS "No its tea time"
"Can we go on a nature hike?" "Yes, when the rain stops" VS "No its too cold"
"Can I have snack?" "Yes after breakfast" VS "No its breakfast time"
"Can I do a paining?" Yes I will set up the easel" VS "No not today"
"Can I invite a friend over for a playdate this afternoon?" "Yes you can tomorrow" VS "No not today"
"Can we go to the zoo?" "Yes that's a great idea we should go for your birthday" VS "No we cant it is too expensive"
"Can we go camping?" "Yes we should plan a trip" VS "No not at the moment"
"Can I watch a show?" "Yes after your chores" VS "No you have chores"
"Can I stay in my pjs today?" Yes if you don't mind wearing them to the shops" VS "no you can't"
"Can we build a cubby?" "Yes" vs "Not today"
"Can I go for a ride on my bike?" "Yes as soon as lunch is made" VS "No I am making lunch"
"Can we stay-up-late?" "Yes on Saturday night for sure "VS "No it is a school night"
Can you see what we have done here?
How does that sit with you?
It may challenge the way you have done things or it may of just reinforce what you already do.
While it is important to ensure children know our boundaries, I believe that sometimes the word "no" is simply overused. The worry I have is that when we say no too often, the environment can feel a little intuitional and reduce the impact of the word "no" when it may actually be required. "No" is a great word to use as an alert, as is "stop" especially when there is a safety risk.
My final thoughts
By providing your child with opportunities, autonomy and support you enable them to grow into confident, empathetic, and independent individuals.
Remember, saying "yes" doesn't mean giving into every request or ignoring safety concerns. Its about finding a good balance and creating a nurturing space where your child feels valued, heard and supported to ask for things and challenge ideas.
So try and say "yes" a little more often and see how your children respond. They might just surprise you, the best part is that it actually feels good too.
Like this blog if you enjoyed it and then I will know to share more like it!
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